Footie is all over my brain at the mo. Halftime and we’ve barely touched the ball again. Still, at least watching England has been half interesting recently.
Since I left the sceptred shores, “overpaid primadonnas” has been one of the buzzphrases used to sum up the English public’s disillusionment with football. Back in Blighty, the unaffected charms of cricket seem to have lured even those who have never been much interested in willowing leather.
But football is not cricket. And neither, damnit, is the bombardment of penis enlargement e-mails that batters my junk mail. Quite how “Canadian-Pharmacy” is aware of my inadequacies I haven’t ascertained. Perhaps their research has yielded a correlation between small cocks and wealth because the other mainstay of my spam folder is the classic Nigerian 419 scam.
Major conflicts to backwater skirmishes – the minute they erupt, every conflagration is seized upon on by these slimeballs. I’ve had Iraqi amputee orphans, Sierra Leonean child-soldier rape victims, Burmese political refugees and Haitian earthquake homeless. Guaranteed, most of the pleas to forward my bank details issue from Lagos.
That the 419 pimps generate enough leads to justify data hacking by their smart young protégé is clear. Cheeringly, there is a sizable community of counter-punchers hitting back, in some cases with hilarious/slightly disturbing results.
Still, this missive I received yesterday was impressive in its audacity:
I am indeed sorry for contacting you through this means. However, I assure you that it is confidential, genuine and 100% risk free. I am Husain Ali Heidi attorney to Saif Al-Islam Gaddafi (Col. Gaddafi's son). I am sure
you are aware of the current war in my country, Libya. As a consequence,
many assets and funds belonging to Col. Gaddafi's family and government officials are being frozen by western government, as you can see on the following links: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/feb/27/gaddafi-family-assets-frozen-queen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WCp5rxNa1k The family have lost a lot and are losing more on a daily basis and I need your help to secure some of these funds because these are hard-earned money. The funds are proceeds of contracts executed by the family. Examples are BP’s US$900M Libyan oil exploration contract in 2007, shares in Juventus Football Club, Eni: the Italian oil giant, and Pearson: the parent company of Penguin and Financial Times. Also some money was made from investments in numerous financial institutions, including Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase and the Carlyle Group. In order to ensure that all their assets are not frozen illegally by the western government, I moved some money out through diplomatic security means as a consignment and deposited them in a Security Company in Europe, where they were registered as personal effects. There are two consignments with the sum of (US$37.5, million) in each. I want you to help me receive them. Please note that further details will be made available upon proper understanding and agreement. I shall offer you 35% of the total sum and you will also help me invest the other 65% of in any lucrative business in your country. Serious negations 1 are currently going on for peace to return to Libya. I should be able to travel afterwards and probably meet you. I guarantee you that this venture is risk free giving that the funds are certified clean and the services of a qualified Solicitor from your country will be retained. If you are interested, kindly get back to me for further details through my private Email address: firstname.lastname@example.org Otherwise, please delete this email and I say thanks for your time. Yours sincerely, Husain Ali.
“Are there no depths these toerags won’t plumb?” I thought as I wired them my easy-earned cash.
Many of the (stupid, greedy white) people who get snared by these ruses do so because they jump at the chance to (theoretically) take advantage of the world’s most miserable people.
The 419ers are always on point. They’ve figured out that refocusing the misery on causers will probably yield far more fruit, as people convince themselves that there’s nothing wrong with getting fat off old Muammar’s ill-gotten gains.
Anyway, with minutes to go till crunch time in Group D, here’s a truly great footballing moment.
The whole thing is a hoot, but the ref examining his watch around 1 min 30, and the terrified cameramen and commentators breaking from the action to check on Saadi’s progress a whole minute later are brilliant.
- What other kind are there? ↩